Don’t Force Your Well-Intentioned Advice onto Your Loved Ones
My wife has been suffering from Depression and Anxiety for more than a year now.
We moved to Switzerland from India about a year ago because of my work obligation.
My wife had been suffering mentally in one form or the other earlier as well. But now bouts of depression and anxiety started looming large within weeks of our arrival. Moving to a new country was probably the trigger.
I was concerned. I can not see the love of my life in any kind of pain or trouble.
Moreover, in these testing times and in this strange new world I was unable to figure out whom to trust and whom to talk to about this. We sure did not want to make our parents back home worried.
I began searching for a good psychiatrist. Then I somehow convinced my wife that it is high time that we should go consult one.
I took time off from my office and joined her in the first few consultations.
Despite being in such a condition, my wife managed to describe what she was going through to the Doctor. The Doctor initially advised some lifestyle changes and put her on observation.
But she was in such low spirits that she did not or simply could not follow what the Doctor advised.
And upon seeing no improvement in her condition, he prescribed her some medication which again she showed some reluctance to take.
It took some weeks but her symptoms gradually improved. She was showing signs of recovery. Finally, my wife started laughing again. I was joyous.
I, along with the Doctor, finally convinced her that taking medication is the last resort now but there is no need to worry as it is only temporary.
She ultimately relented and started taking medicines.
It took some weeks but her symptoms gradually improved. She was showing signs of recovery. Finally, my wife started laughing again. I was joyous.
Months passed and slowly she started showing the symptoms again. She is now finding it difficult to sleep because of anxiety and panic attacks.
The doctor had to prescribe her one more medicine.
I became sad again.
But I knew something needed to be done to fix it for once and all.
I thought long and hard. And then I realized that she had stopped all forms of activity for the last couple of weeks. Moreover, her sleep is erratic.
Only if I could get her sleep cycle back to normal and her physical activity up again, things could be improved.
Sleep ultimately depends on many factors including our physical and mental activity.
So, last week I suggested to my wife that we should go for a walk in the evening when I come back from Office. But she refused saying that she didn’t feel good when walking. She said she abhor it.
But I insisted.
Somehow, she gave in to my command for a few days.
But today, like every day, she refused to go for a walk and I admonished her that I won’t talk to her if she keeps on doing this.
I added, “Tomorrow don’t tell me that you are feeling anxious or depressed if you don’t want to put in the effort now. I am forcing you to go for a walk only because it is good for your mental health.”
And that was the final straw that broke the camel’s back. She got really upset with me for having said that.
And now both of us are sitting in separate rooms in the same house.
The silence is deafening.
I am wondering if I should go and appease her or if it is her fault. I don’t know really.
If I think from my perspective I took her to task only because I want her to feel better. And when I think from her angle I think about her condition and her nature.
My wife is lovely and delicate just like a flower. She can not stand even the slightest winds of rebuke or reprimand.
But there are days when the water crosses the line and I get angry at her. Today was one such day.
Realization
After reflecting for a while I have concluded that we should not force our ideals, beliefs, or advice even if they are well-intentioned.
Even forced heaven is hell.
We can try to reason and explain in the best way possible but then leave it up to them if they want to take it or ignore it.
Even forced heaven is hell.
I guess this is where I went wrong. I forced my advice on her.
Instead of blurting out to her to not complain I should have just offered her my well-intentioned advice and accepted her decision.
Maybe one day, she will see and appreciate my perspective.
Till then, a lesson learned.